wash out, wash up, wash it all away (pennyroyal) wrote,
wash out, wash up, wash it all away
pennyroyal

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somehow it's new year's eve again, and i'm thinking about how i'm ending this year in such a different (physical, emotional) place than i did last year.

there are a fair amount of things i fucked up this last year, and not moving out of the sunrise house faster definitely tops the list. but at the same time, i couldn't find anywhere i could afford, or if i could it didn't allow pets, or if it did it was a sublet in a possibly bad environment. who knows, it's a case of what-ifs that i don't really care to think about. i did get out, even though our first month at this house, through floor refinishing and renovations was .. interesting. i'm living with great people in a great house, and hey our landlords aren't the greatest and the house still needs work, but it feels so wonderful to enjoy coming home at the end of the day.

i learned to love being single. it took a long time to get here, but it is where i need to be for a little bit. it had been a long time since i'd been single for more than a few months, and it's nice to reflect. i dated someone briefly, and learned that right now i want my time for my friends, and my bed to myself. i got stabilised on my meds.

i started grad school. i am busy all the time, and even when i have a free moment i know there's something else i should be doing. i am so happy to be back in school, to feel like i'm moving in a direction, not just treading water. i do love what i'm doing, and am excited for next semester. i just got two of my books in the mail!

i had thought i would never have a harder finals week than the one right after billy died. i was wrong.

saturday the 12th i was hanging out with my brother, who was in town visiting from philly, when he got a phone call from our dad - my mom was in the hospital with a large brain tumor. we flew home to seattle early early sunday morning to be there for her surgery. i don't know how to write about these things. we saw her barely responsive in a hospital bed before surgery, and right afterwards with her head shaved and stitched back together. she bounced back quickly. i flew back to school wednesday, took my finals, and came back the next wednesday for christmas. she is still recovering from surgery, and will start chemo and radiation in a week.

it's an aggressive cancer. there is not remission. average survival still less than a couple of years. i am going to watch my mother die. i am scared, and sad, and trying to figure out how to work the next year of my life, how to be home as much as possible. school is out by may, and i'm planning to (somehow, someway) do my research for my thesis there. i'll go home for spring break week in two months. the months in between will stretch on i know.

i wonder where i'll be as next year ends.
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